Pattaya. Pattaya. Pattaya. The resort town without a real beach. What? Yup. Here’s the Pattaya they show you at the travel agency to get you there.

And then here is the truth about the beach. Its MAYBE 12 feet of actual beach. Room as you can see for only ONE or TWO beach chairs.

What a great place to kill time and your hangover before you go back out to the girly bars.

J: I almost died today. Really. About a million times. We have landed safely in Koh Chang and love it. But it was a hard road - literally. Got off the ferry, walked a mile in 95 degree weather, found a resort and hated it. Death #1. I’m super worried about the HD camera when we are out actually enjoying the trip. So when we left I thought my wife was was going to kill me. Death #2. We started up the mountain (yes mountain) are had our first Amazing Race moment. Hicks was a good hundred feet behind me and I thought she might just leave me and go home. My chest hurt from the pack - then like light from above, there was Bai Bay Resort. The best place on earth. And only $17 a night to stay in a tree house overlooking a beach even emptier than “lonely beach” claims to be. None of it seems real. Margaret said she didn’t think we deserved it.

So we walked back down the mountian (no sidewalks in this jungle but plenty of monkeys - angry monkeys) and dodged bikes, cars, trucks and vans. Deaths #3-1,000,000.

So here we are in an air conditioned inter-net cafe and Margaret is spell checking over my shoulder. Death #1000001.

M: Just left the hotel we were staying at the first night here in Pattaya. To quote an old movie bitch “What a dump.” We left Bangkok for Pattaya, hearing that Pattaya was a party beach and could be really fun if one was in the right mood. After wandering around in 1,000% humidity, we finally settled on the crappieset hotel in the city.

It was a huge “corporate” hotel. It seemed to really cater to chinese tourists and their families. The women behind the reception desk were just about the first rude Thai people we’ve come in contact with. There was a lovely pool we couldn’t go into after 5:00PM and we tried again the next day they wouldn’t let John in the pool unless he was wearing a Speedo. Which is kinda funny. The room was expensive and dirty, with cigarette burns in the carpet and plastic under the bedsheets. It was just 80 kinds of wrong.

We managed to find a lovely guesthouse this morning, run privately by the Thai themselves. It is CLEAN and we think they love us because we’re an actual married couple in this city of thai hookers and fat western men. I think I’ve seen one or two other western women here, it’s bizarre.

So lesson learned, go to the places run by the Thai themselves, they are kind, friendly, clean and care about what kind of place they’re running. There might not be a pool here, but there just so happens to be a huge beach a block away.

Patooey.

Oh, and one other thing…if you ever come to Pattaya (which you really shouldn’t unless you’re 60 and in search of some hookers) DO NOT STAY AT THE GOLDEN BEACH HOTEL. There are so many less expensive and cleaner and kinder hotels.

Double patooey.

J: When you get married you need to trust your spouse. Trust her to find a kick ass hotel room for WAY less than I thought we’d be spending. The Key of Bangkok is awesome. Look at the hotel room I’m going to have jetlag in! Plus its only a one minute walk from a 7-11. For all my lechee slushee needs.

The Key in Bangkok